Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Dress to Kill Transcript: "And the National Rifle Association says that, 'Guns don't kill people, people do,” but I think the gun helps, you know?" - Eddie Izzard.
Reading it isn't as good as seeing it, but it's better than a poke in the eye.
And for John...

And I grew up in the 70s, when the careers advisor used to come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, "Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say? That's it." And he took me aside, he said, "Whatcha you want to do, kid? Whatcha you want to do? Tell me, tell me your dreams!" "I want to be a space astronaut! Go to outer space, discover things that have never been discovered." He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit, all right?" "All right, I want to work in a shoe shop then! Discover shoes that no one's ever discovered right in the back of the shop, on the left." And he said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit, all right?"